A kind Of Death…

There is a kind of death that l cant really explain. It is not physical, no you cant really pass out and all but its a certain kind of death. Emotional maybe, yeah its more like an emotional death. You dont really know what died but something in you died.Its not the one that can be healed by a motivational video telling you that when life puts you down go back up higher.You cant even turn to your favorite kind of food because nothing makes it better.I dont even know if death can be healed but yeah, here we are looking for healing from this kind of death.
It wasnt until l had got in my early teens (twenties here we come) that l started hearing of a certain movement. Before, l had just been an ordinary girl,living an ordinary life just working for what l want. l didnt see gender neither did l think of what came with being a girl. Washing dishes was boring but fun, because my brother did that with me. Stealing my brother’s cars and going to brag to the other boys in my class was one of the nice things l liked doing, l enjoyed hanging out with my mother and telling her that l will never get married because l wanted to stay with her forever, which would be followed by a gentle laugh and a Ita zvaunoda one daughter. Then l came to know of how l can decide to wash the dishes or not, how pastel colors shouldnt have been the only colours my clothes were, how the kitchen wasn’t supposed to be my only favorite place, how l should never say that a person loses their viriginity, because virginity is not something you lose and its not that big of a deal because noone asks men who they lost their virginity to.l kind of enjoyed that, it has its good ideas you know, then there are some which are just mmhh. l went into another phase. The phase where you find out not everyone walks their talk.One were those who talk about never putting down another woman are the very same ones doing the opposite of that.You discover a whole new side of this.. Its not new, its something that you have always known but it is in this moment that you are like, flip this is the reality. You then discover that all along you were fighting an online battle with ghost accounts. A guy posts something and you are quick to hit the report button or you send out a full paragraph yelling how this is objectifying women and soon afterwards you lie in your bed feeling content,that yassss you are a true fighter and you called out the bad guys.

You eventually get tired. Feeling like you are living your life fighting but those who have gone before you tell you to never stop fighting, the battle is not over… You realise you are fighting for some things which you you can never win at. The truth dawns on you and in that moment you die a kind of death. You have tried running for so long but you realise there are some things you can never run away from. Thats when that kind of death comes. You let go of everything and wait to start on a new kind of life.Its not new, its just the older version that made sense to you, one that didnt go extreme, the one that was just perfect for you, the one that had made you who you were before. Its not comfort but its just what you prefer and it makes sense for you and sometimes it doesnt. One day you will realise you have been fighting an online battle and noone actually cared. Real people are those offline, the ones that will tell you what you dont want and want to hear.

How about making this new year not about fighting, rather discovering, what exactly we want, no mob pyscology just being plain you doing what has always felt and feels right to you.
Its sad because there are some things that can not be undone. We once in a while lie to ourselves that we have no regrets whatsover and we wouldnt have it either way but deep down we know its not true. Deep down if we could change our stories we would, but its sad because this thing called life doesnt have a restart button. You can only make a better next chapter. Regardless of everything that has made you die…Still, we move ….


7 Replies to “A kind Of Death…”

  1. Well done.

    Just realised how useless online battles are and I also hope to embark on a real offline gender battle which is the one that counts.


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